Production of Soyuzmultfilm's Association of Puppet Films
IF EVERY BUREAUCRAT
WAS STEAMED AND CLEANED, TO START,
THE WORKER'S BROOM
WOULD BE LIKE THE BRUSH OF ART
VLADIMIR MAYAKOVSKY
BANYA
INSPECTED
"BROCOLOPS" - BRanch Of COordination and Liaison OPerationS
Trying to squeeze their invention, a time machine, through this jungle:
Comrades Strangefellow and Cyclero.
Comrade Blockway, we're here to see the CHOCOLOPS (Chief of BROCOLOPS).
You mean Comrade Conquerbonce?
I don't think so.
Strangefellow...
Strangefellow?
Who's Strangefellow?
Strangefellow is the inventor.
There are lots of inventors, but only one CHOCOLOPS.
NO ADMISSION
Try back next Friday.
HOTEL METROPOL MOSCOW
ENTRANCE
Mr. Pont Kitsch, a British Anglo-Saxon.
And his interpreter: Madame Misalliance.
"CONCORDIA" - WINE, COGNAC, LIQUEUR
THE ONLY THING LEFT FROM THE OLD WORLD IS IRA CIGARETTES
NOWHERE BUT IN MOSSELPROM
Fur-lined brassieres!
What does a wife get up to when her husband's away?
105 funny stories by the late Count Leo Tolstoy!
Down to 15 kopecks from a ruble twenty!
Sausage-shaped balloons!
Fly to the moon!
Here you are, citizens!
Forgotten and abandoned early on,
Left an orphan, I don't share your happiness
Here! Lapshin matches burn like the sun and moon!
SECRET, the SociEty for Cultural RElaTions
And its chairman: Ivan Ivanovich.
Artist Isak Beauxarts.
Portraitist, painter of battles, naturalist.
Would you care to take a look at your future furnishings?
Show me.
With pleasure.
A famous historian once said that there are various Louises in style.
Here's Louis Quatorze the Fourteenth,
so-called by the French after the revolution of 1848
because he came directly after Louis the Thirteenth.
Then there's Louis Jacob.
And finally, if I may recommend this most modern of options:
Louis Mauvais Goût.
Announcing Mr. Pont Kitsch!
Please.
Have you been to England, Mr. Pont Kitsch? I have.
It's terribly interesting. Englishmen everywhere...
I bought a cap in Liverpool,
and visited the house where Aunty Dühring used to live.
Mr. Pont Kitsch is well known in London as a philatelist.
A -- how you say -- "stamp collector."
And he's very, very interested in chemical plants,
aviation and art in general.
He's a very, very cultured and sociable man.
Vous comprenez (understand)?
We must open... a broad campaign!
That's Monsieur Dashitoff, a collaborator.
A collaborator in the pre-revolutionary and post-revolutionary press.
Although he somehow missed out on the revolutionary press.
Comrade Dashitoff, we must launch a broad campaign!
Ai yenot pereperchil oi zveri izobreteishen.
STRANGEFELLOW, INVENTOR TAGANSKAYA STREET, 28
My idea is grand in scale.
I will make time stand still or race in any direction at any speed.
Do you speak English?
Sprechen Sie Deutsch? Parlez-vous français, at least?
God, you're tiresome.
I'll have to translate our language into your worker and peasant lingo.
Hello, dear comrades. We have a crying need for our own Red Soviet Edison.
Hello, dear comrades.
Mr. Pont Kitsch is such a cultured, sociable gentleman.
He even told us your address.
He's smelled us out, the nosy rat.
A yenot v Indostan, pereperchil oi zveri izobreteishen!
Mr. Pont Kitsch means that, in his foggy homeland, everyone...
...from MacDonald to Churchill is ravenously curious about your device.
Ah, certainly, certainly. My invention belongs to all mankind.
For the first time in human history...
Stand back.
Stand back!
I'm switching it on!
Cheer and frolic, comrades...
Have a look at this.
[VST 5.24.20] - It's a letter.
A letter written fifty years from now.
Do you understand? In the future! Read it!
Read what?
What is it, the telephone number of somebody named Comrade VST?
It's not VST, it's "visit." They write only with consonants.
The 24 is tomorrow's date. And 20 is the hour.
He, she or it will arrive tomorrow at 8 p.m.
To ensure a safe journey through time for our visitor,
we need more people and money right away.
Ded svel v rai tram iz dveri v dveri lez i ne doshol tugo. Dui Ivan. Chervontsli?
Cash? Strangefellow doesn't give a damn about it.
I've just been to the State Bank and come back loaded.
All right, goodbye!
Do show a little tact, I beg you.
Your Young-Communist manners will land us in an international conflict!
Yes, what we need is our own Soviet Edison.
You boys don't have a telephone?
Never mind, I won't forget to tell Nikander Piramidonovich.
It's good that we've got the money.
We don't have any.
No money! Then why boast and brag like that?
Even worse, you refused when that foreigner made a serious offer!
You may be a genius, but you're an idiot, too.
Do you want your idea to take shape in iron,
flying back to us from England as a time-controlling dreadnought,
invisibly destroying our plants and factories?
How could I have...
And you were even embracing him as he left.
Don't be silly! I was embracing the film in his camera!
Bravo, Cyclero!
Come on, comrades!
Let's take them by the scruff of the neck and force them to do something.
I'll chew those officials up and spit out the buttons!
CHOCOLOPS - CHief Of COordination and Liaison OPerationS
NO WRITING ON WALLS | NO UNAUTHORIZED ENTRY
NO TALKING | NO KIDS UNDER 16
NOT IN SERVICE | NO DRINKING
NO CONSPICUOUS BEHAVIOUR | NO TOUCHING
NO PICKING FLOWERS
NO SMOKING
NO COMPLAINTS
NO EXIT
CLOSED
And so, comrades,
this tram's bold, urgent, revolutionary bell must ring out...
...like a great church bell in the heart of every worker and peasant!
Today, the new Lenin Tramline will connect
the Tenth Anniversary of Soviet Medicine Square
with that former stronghold of the bourgeoisie, the Haymarket!
Who traveled by tram before the October Revolution?
Has-been intellectuals, priests, the upper class!
What did they pay? Five kopecks per stop.
Who will travel now?
We, the workers of the universe, will travel now.
And what will we pay?
A mere ten kopecks.
Hello?
Comrade Blockway, this must end.
We're going to the CHOCOLOPS himself.
You don't need to disturb him. Everything is in order.
A final decision has been reached on your application.
A final decision!
That's fantastic!
So the bureaucrats have been beaten at last?!
Hurrah!
Presto, I've found your section.
Presto, I've got your file.
Presto...
CHIEF ADMINISTRATOR DEPUTY CHIEFS CHIEF AIDES
As promised, the final decision.
REJECTED
Where was I?
We stopped on, "And so, comrades..."
And so, Comrades, remember...
...that Leo Tolstoy is a grand and unforgettable painter of the written word.
His legacy of the past shines down on us at the meeting-point of two worlds,
like a colossal literary star,
like a whole constellation --
like the biggest of the big constellations -- the Great Bear!
Excuse me. You were writing about trams.
But now you've let Leo Tolstoy on while the tram is still moving.
What?!
No comments, please!
If you have self-criticisms to make, use the wall newspaper.
Don't disrupt state activity with your ridiculous fancies!
Ah, Comrade Beauxarts. Go right ahead. Make yourself at home.
Allow me to continue with your portrait, and to immortalize you...
...as an innovative administrator, as well as a distributor of funds.
I shall pose here at my desk.
But perhaps you could paint me "in retrospect,"
sitting on horseback.
I've already drawn a horse at home, from memory.
Now I simply need to attach you to your steed.
Let's see the line of your fighting leg.
How that polished boot does shine.
Shiny enough to lick!
Yes, only in Michelangelo's work does one find such a clean line.
Angelov? An Armenian?
Italian.
A fascist?
Goodness, no!
I don't know him. Does he know me?
I don't know. He's an artist, too.
He probably knows me in that case.
After all, there are lots of artists, but only one CHOCOLOPS.
What? Laughing?!
And with painted lips to boot!
OUT!
"And under every leaflet, there was a place for her..."
Comrade, try to understand us!
If we don't move the experiment into the space above the town,
there may even be an explosion!
That's quite enough.
Don't you go threatening a government body.
Get it through your head, stupid!
No personal remarks, please.
The individual person plays no special role in history.
SOON! SOON! SOON! MAYAKOVSKY'S BANYA A Soyuzmultfilm Production
One moment, comrades! We will have to interrupt the film,
due to reasons beyond our control.
Comrade Conquerbonce himself
has decided to watch an excerpt of our film.
Please, come in. Please.
HA-HA-HA!
OUT!
Life isn't like that! It's all laid on too thick!
We don't have comrades like this! It's not natural!
It's unrealistic! Unheard of!
Banya! What is this banya?
Who's it washing?
The banya washes, simply scrubs away, bureaucrats.
The banya agitates for the future, for the inventor's initiative.
You'll have to rewrite that part. Tone it down, poeticize it.
Soften the contours.
But, comrade, allow me --
I will not allow you!
Why, it even discredits us before the whole of Europe!
Don't translate that remark, please.
It's all right.
He just had some caviar at a banquet, and now he's a bit drowsy.
Comrades, don't get us wrong.
We simply want our art to serve the struggle and inspire positive action.
People watch, and they get to work.
They watch, and they awaken.
They watch, and they uncover the truth.
Your art isn't for the masses. Workers and peasants won't understand it!
In fact, it's a good thing they won't, and you shouldn't explain it to them!
Yes, yes! Art must portray life -- the beautiful life of beautiful real people.
Show us some social butterflies on beautiful flowers,
and a bit of bourgeois decadence all around.
Or show us how people in the decaying West
are struggling anew against the old ways.
Yes, yes, yes! Give us something beautiful.
The Bolshoi Theatre always gives us something beautiful.
They flit about everywhere with flowers, singing and dancing.
All kinds of elves, twelves and syphilis!
You mean Sylphides?
Bravo! Splendid!
Now that was real art.
It makes sense to me, to Ivan Ivanovich and to the masses.
That's right! It was so infectious.
Comrade Dashitoff, we must launch a broad campaign.
Well, thank you. Goodbye for now.
After such a graceful finale, I don't want to dawdle and spoil my impressions.
Please accept my comradely best wishes!
What's the name of that doll there?
So tender and endowed with... talent.
We must launch a broad campaign.
Or maybe even a narrow one.
Just me... and her.
C. C. Conquerbonce
NO ADMISSION EXCEPT ON BUSINESS
You're really leaving me behind?
But I saw they brought you two tickets.
That's enough of your petit bourgeois ideas about vacations.
I'm not going there to sunbathe, you know.
I always plan ahead for the current moment.
And then, when I get there -- a speech,
a report,
a resolution,
In short, socialism.
And my public status entitles me by law to a stenographer.
When did I ever interfere with your stenography? That's a laugh!
Why try to fool me?
Let me come along too, for God's sake, and stenograph all night if you want.
Absurd.
You'll compromise me with your disorganized outbursts!
Especially this religious talk. "For God's sake," indeed!
Shhh! Kozlyakovsky lives downstairs.
He might tell Pavel Petrovich, who's friendly with Semyon Afanasievich.
Heave, comrades, heave!
We've got seconds, or disaster will be inevitable!
The machine's growing heavier every second.
I'm almost certain that a foreign body is materializing inside it!
Polya, I forgot to hide my revolver.
Remember, it's loaded,
and to fire it all you have to do is release this safety catch.
Well, goodbye, Polya!
Conky-baby, how much longer?
Shhh!
Hello, comrades!
I am a delegate from 2030.
I've been switched into your present time for 24 hours.
Time is short, and the task before us is extraordinary.
Mandate...
Ah, it's official!
Authorization to select the best...
for transfer to the Age of Communism.
What's happening? My Lord, what's happening?
BUREAU FOR SELECTION AND TRANSFER TO THE AGE OF COMMUNISM
BOOK OF COMPLAINTS
"I demand to skip the queue!" - Conquerbonce
In connection with the transfer, I need to find out...
my salary, my living quarters and so on!
What's the matter, citizen?
There's no need to disturb her.
Comrades!
We have been advancing towards each other, like two teams digging a tunnel,
until we finally met today.
I look in amazement at the giants of steel and earth --
grateful memories of them are still cherished in my time
as models of communist construction and living.
You are so busy working, you haven't time to stand back
and admire your achievements.
But I am glad to tell you of your greatness.
Excuse me for interrupting, Comrade!
What is the year of destination, and what is the speed?
The direction is infinity. The speed, one year per second.
The destination: the year 2030.
Proceed, comrades!
Subordinate Comrade Blockway!
My question concerns the most important things about my trip.
A hundred-year business trip by a senior official at the head of an entire agency!
Rejected! Impractical!
Anyway, who on Earth would take such a trip...
knowing he needs a daily allowance for a hundred years,
but will only be paid for seconds?
Admissions are closed. Come back tomorrow.
What admissions? What tomorrow?
Ah, you've forgotten to take down that stupid sign.
As a senior comrade, I must warn you:
you're surrounded by people who aren't quite one-hundred percent.
Cyclero smokes!
Strangefellow must be drinking.
Well, what business is it of yours? For all that, they work.
I'm "for all that," too! But for all that, I don't drink, don't smoke,
don't leave tips...
So that's what you "don't, don't, don't."
Is there anything that you "do, do, do"?
"Do, do, do?" Sure I do!
I implement directives, file resolutions,
make connections, pay my Party membership dues,
sign things, stamp things...
Aseyev, begemot, dai v dolg, lik izbit, i stoimost snizilas mai pud chaseishen.
Mr. Pont Kitsch says
he can buy up all our clocks and watches at a reasonable price,
and then he will believe in communism.
That's obvious even without a translation.
Comrades, don't be late!
The first time-train leaves at 12 o'clock sharp for Year 2030 Station.
Rise up and soar, o song of mine, as red troops swing along!
Quicken your pace, dear land of mine. Old ways are dead and gone!
March onward, time! March onward, time!
O time, march on!
Yet faster still, dear land of mine -- ahead lies the commune!
Five years are planned for. Bonuses will cut them short by one!
March onward, time! March onward, time!
O time, march on!
Make factories hum, dear land of mine, all day and all night long.
Strike harder yet, commune of mine. Old evil ways begone!
March onward, time! March onward, time!
March onward, time! O time, march on!
March on! March on!
SECONDS UNTIL TIME MACHINE DEPARTS:
Comrade Dvoikin, you can attach ordinary windshields.
The Five-Year Plan has prepared you all for the tempo and speed of time travel.
Test the springs.
Make sure we don't bump about on the potholes of public holidays.
We'll have a smooth passage, provided no empty vodka bottles get into the works.
Well, no problem. There's plenty to drink.
Comrade, I must ask you confidentially. Will there be a buffet?
If not, we'll make do.
Where's my spot?
SECONDS UNTIL TIME MACHINE DEPARTS:
Comrade, you've brought a whole department store with you.
No comments, please!
I could request an extra compartment,
but I will refrain, in keeping with my modest lifestyle.
Has the "all aboard" call gone out? You may give it!
And the second one right after.
Where is my monogrammed briefcase?
Don't get worked up.
I was tidying up at home and saw you'd forgotten this. Looked important.
That's funny.
Goodbye, Polya. When I'm settled, I'll send you a third of something!
Comrades, we shall speed off, breaking through the antiquated barrier of time.
The future will take anyone who has even one trait in common with the commune.
The passion to work. The thirst to sacrifice. The boundless energy to invent.
Comrade Strangefellow, are you ready?
READY
All of you, and the author! What have you been trying to say here?
That people like me aren't of any use to communism?
INSPECTED
Written and directed by Sergey Yutkevich, Anatoliy Karanovich
Camera: Mihail Kamenetskiy Art director: Feliks-Lev Zbarskiy
Composer: Rodion Shchedrin Sound: Boris Filchikov
Montage: Lidiya Kyaksht Assistant art director: Valentina Vasilenko
Puppeteers: Vladimir Puzanov, Yuriy Klepatsky, Mariya Portnaya
2D animator: Vyacheslav Kotyonochkin
Text read by Yekaterina Raykina, Arkadiy Raykin
Camera (2D animation): Nikolay Grinberg Camera (combined filming): Boris Aretskiy
Assistant director: M. Rapoport Camera assistant: A. Shik Foley: Aleksandr Baranov
Literary consultant: Vasiliy Katanyan Script editor: Boris Voronov
Puppets and sets made under direction of Roman Gurov
by Boris Karavayev, V. Kuranov, Oleg Masainov,
V. Kalashnikova, V. Chernihova, Pavel Gusev, Vladimir Alisov,
Vladimir Abbakumov, Pavel Lesin, Valeriy Petrov and Semyon Etlis
Phosphorescent Woman based on the drawings of Picasso
State Symphony Orchestra of Cinematography Emin Khachaturian (conductor), Arthur Eisen (soloist)
Executive producer: Natan Bitman
THE END
Subtitled by Animation Obsessive, ed. Niffiwan (2023), using translations of Cook-Horujy, Guy Daniels, and earlier subs by Chapaev & Eus (2016) & TignoBaiser (2019)